9 October, 2016. 14:34
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A NORTH BETOOTA man has been banned for life from the Betoota Hotel after growing frustrated with his favourite “brickie’s laptop”. The man allegedly forced the meat pie he was eating up the machine’s note acceptor, causing minor damage and a major inconvenience to the barmen.
After hotel staff made the gruesome discovery, local Greg Morton was asked to leave the premises by manager Jack Campbell, but refused. Police were called at around 11pm and forcibly removed Morton.
“The fucking machine took everything I had!” Morton was heard screaming as police pretzeled him out the front door. “It might as well have my fucking pie, too!”
Morton was charged overnight with a string of meat pie and licensing offences, ranging from criminal property damage to assault with a sticky weapon. The courts agreed to downgrade the charge of assault with a deadly weapon after it was discovered that the pie was almost cold when it was used against the pokie.
Police will allege that Morton lost his patience with the Queen of the Nile machine after “Cleopatra, the fucking bitch” refused to grant the 47-year-old bore runner a feature after he put the contents of his meagre saving account through the machine.
“He’s a fucking thing,” said Morton after police asked him why he did it. “Looking back at me like she’s better than me. Fuck ‘er! Hope she enjoys my pie.”
Greg Morton was released on bail this morning and will face Longreach Local Court next month. In that time, he’s issued a public apology to The Betoota Hotel and staff over what he calls “a serious error in judgement”. However, manager Jack Campbell says the chances he’ll be allowed back into the venue are “very slim, Flynn”.
“Not even for Melbourne Cup. I’m done with the prick,” said Campbell. “He’s banned for life, meaning the only time I’ll let him back in here is during his funeral. I can’t say no because he’s already paid the deposit.”