Local Man Says Cancerous Processed Meats Better Bring It

Local Man Says Cancerous Processed Meats Better Bring It

27 October, 2015. 11:35

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact

Simon Noble, a “rather stocky” 29-year-old from South Betoota says the recent findings by the World Health Organization makes him nervous. But it doesn’t scare him.

In news that has rocked the developed world, The W.H.O announced on Monday that bacon, sausage and other processed meats cause cancer and that red meat probably does, too.

The report by the influential group stakes out one of the most aggressive stances against meat taken by a major health organization, and it is expected to face stiff criticism in the United States.

Mr Noble says as someone who depends on a bacon-heavy diet, if processed meats are going to kill him – they better get to work soon.

“I’ve been eating bacon since I came off the tit,” says the rotund energy drink sales rep.

“Not to mention all the other piggish stuff I have put my body through. I’m 29 and up until a year ago, I smoked two packets of cigarettes a day,”

“Not too mention the shitty old sharehouses I used to live in. I daresay I’ve been exposed to a fair bit of asbestos… Do you really reckon bacon and snags are gonna be the things that kill me?”

Noble says he has no intention of changing his diet, and that he’s surprised that sex and beer haven’t been found to cause cancer as well.

“I’m serious. Just about every one of life’s joys keep getting branded with the big C…”

“It’s getting to the point where I am gonna just have to eat lettuce and drink lukewarm water,”

“Fuck that, I’m going to maccas right now. Bring it on processed meats!”

The WHO findings were drafted by a panel of 22 international experts who reviewed decades of research on the link between red meat, processed meats and cancer. The panel reviewed animal experiments, studies of human diet and health, and cell processes that could explain how red meat might cause cancer.

Mr Noble says he doesn’t give a fuck.

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