12 April, 2015. 17:45
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
KNOWN NOW TO his mates as “Staple Man”, a North Betootanese network engineer said this morning that his new stomach will be no match for what he’s planning to eat for dinner.
Glenn Peterson once had a lap band, but it broke during a 2012 binge at the old Hong Wang Diner on Racecourse Road.
“I ate the cunt right off my gut bag, I can’t help myself,” revealed the 19-year-old.
“But the doctor reckons these staples in my stomach have got me fucked. We’ll see about that aye.”
Peterson says he plans to visit the local IGA on his way home to pick up a few dinner essentials like Continental Side Dishes and powdered gravy.
In order to really give his new acid sack a workout, he’s chosen a scrumptious mix of soft foodstuffs such as gravy and gravy-related products, pre-mixed dairy beverages like Moove and Oak drinks and taco mince.
The portly Queenslander is one of the leading reviewers of taco mince mix on the planet.
Oddly enough, he swore off the drink before turning 18, saying it wasn’t for him. But upon joining the local Betoota Dolphins rugby club, he was forced to drink with them.
“We made a compromise,” he said. “They stopped picking on me for not drinking if I had a schooner of Diane sauce with the after the matches. Fuck those were the days, necking Gravox with the lads.”
Should his new half-stomach burst, spilling the eclectic mix of Latin-inspired beef, sugar milk and liquid salt into his innards, a doctor from Windorah is attending a nearby wedding and is on call.