Local Fuckwit Thinks He’s Bulletproof After Four Sessions At MMA Gym

Local Fuckwit Thinks He’s Bulletproof After Four Sessions At MMA Gym

July 2, 2015. 10:40

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact

Ed Tuxworth’s days of 24-hour gym memberships are over.

“I’ll never go back” says the 29-year old mechanic, after finding himself involved in a nearby mixed-martial arts (MMA) club.

“No more waiting around for the bench press or the squat rack, nowadays I just do Muay Thai and Brazilian kickboxing classes,”

As someone who says he was never a ‘stand-out’ guy in high school, Ed finds the community of a MMA gym to be the best way for him to counter his crippling lack of emotional depth.

“These guys are great. We don’t have to talk about anything other than what we would do if we ever ended up in a physical confrontation,”

“Plus we get to learn how to kill someone with our bare hands, if we need to,”

Ed’s new skill-set has also done wonders to increase his confidence and aggression after four sessions in the “octagon”.

“I just know now, I’m not made of glass… ”

“I spent my time learning how to fight people like a pro, and every now and then I get to test myself. I’ve gotten a few new tattoos as well… I really look the part”

Ed cites former Ultimate Fighting champion, Quinton “Rampage” Jackson as one of his inspirations
Ed cites former Ultimate Fighting champion, Quinton “Rampage” Jackson as one of his inspirations

Mr Tuxworth is currently facing charges for a “one-punch” assault on an innocent stranger in Mooloolaba over Easter. He says it’s bad luck that the victim wasn’t looking at him at the time, but he shouldn’t have brushed past him the way he did.

“I could get into a bit of trouble for this. I mean sure, I obviously blindsided him – but the problem is that nowadays I actually know how to punch people”

Ed says his increased aggression and likeliness of “coward-punching” a stranger all comes down to the fact that he is well-trained and confident enough in his abilities to fight people.

That, paired with his inability to endure social interactions without binge-drinking.

He also says that, because he isn’t likely to go professional, he needs somewhere to showcase his skills.

“I’m not doing all these hours for nothing. The fitness is great, but seriously, what’s the point if I don’t get the chance to overhand-right someone in the street”

“Some people are just asking for it. You can tell by looking at them.