Historians Agree Captain Cook Arrived With Carton Of Piss, Keen To Make Friends

Historians Agree Captain Cook Arrived With Carton Of Piss, Keen To Make Friends

30 March, 2016. 15:10


Radio Shock-jocks Alan Jones and Kyle Sandilands have verbalised their disgust at the new guidelines in place at the University of New South Wales (UNSW) around Indigenous terminology when describing Australia’s bloody, genocidal history.

The Diversity Toolkit, introduced in 2012, defines what is an appropriate language to use around Australian Indigenous history, and which terms are offensive to indigenous Australian people.

Conservative commentators around the country have stated that this kind of terminology is steering away from the acceptable, revisionist, recount of Australian history.

There is a controversy surrounding the accuracy of Australia's idea of "settlement"
There is a controversy surrounding the accuracy of Australia’s idea of “settlement”

“I think this is just PC gone mad. What’s next? They want us to capitalise the word indigenous?” says 2GB listener, Sophie Keane-White (54) – who shares the same sentiment as the white males on our airwaves.

“It’s not very healthy for us to change our entire understanding of Australian history purely just to include an Aboriginal perspective,”

The guidelines say it is “offensive” to suggest Captain Cook “discovered” Australia, and that period of Australian history should be broken into four periods: indigenous, pre-invasion, invasion and post-invasion history.

UNSW believe this change in terminology is a more appropriate way of describing a chapter in colonial history that featured several nationwide attempts of genocide and child kidnap.

However, historians from the National Museum believe the Diversity Toolkit is divisive in its attempt to present settlement as an invasion, rather than a giant beach party that everyone was cool with.

Government researcher, Truman Arkest says what a lot of people are forgetting is that Captain Cook actually arrived with a carton of piss and was keen for a big hit out with the natives.

“What we have found is that Captain Cook actually rocked in with plans to make friends with everyone,”

“The only reason he planted that huge British flag in the soil was because he wanted some shade while he crushed a couple cans with the boys in Botany Bay,”

While Indigenous historians tend to disagree with the National Museum’s recount, Mr Arkest says it’s common knowledge in Commonwealth circles that Captain Cook was a grouse bloke.

“He really was a good guy. Sure, he might’ve been a gatecrasher but he certainly wasn’t an invader,”

“He was the same on every ancient tribal nation he arrived at,”

“The only reason those Hawaiins put a spear through his head is because he rocked up with a box of midstrength,”


3 Responses to "Historians Agree Captain Cook Arrived With Carton Of Piss, Keen To Make Friends"

  1. Keving Rudd   March 31, 2016 at 7:16 am

    On behalf of all Australians, especially Queenslanders, I would like to apologise to the First Australians for James Cook’s unacceptable breach of protocol and extraordinary lack of detailed programmatic specificity. The UN articles of diplomacy, the bedrock of Global civilization, currently under revision by my good self, clearly state the official libation of first meetings of this critical magnitude should be Bundys and coke with Castlemaine XXXX chasers, not the inferior Victoria Bitter, so beloved by the Left wing of the ALP.
    Yours, embarrassed,
    Kevin Rudd MP and PM (retired),
    United Nations,
    New York

  2. Griff   January 27, 2017 at 2:15 pm

    VB and XXXX Gold are the preferred brews of indigenous folk in Far north Queensland. This is because Lt Cook left a half dozen cartons of each on the shores of the Endeavour River when he broke his cruise ship back in 1770. I know this because the story has been handed down over a few generations of locals up there, and was told to me by an elder who wishes to remain anonymous. Thanks Trevor for your history lesson.


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