2 June, 2015. 11:15
IMRAN GASHKORI | Sports | firstname.lastname@example.org
It has been reported that Collingwood President, Eddie McGuire has landed himself in hospital overnight while attempting to watch tribal war dances on YouTube.
Four days into the most controversial news story in the history of Australian football, it is believed the overweight Catholic was surfing All Blacks Haka videos online, in an attempt to desensitise himself to the tribal culture “unnecessarily evident in Australasian contact sport”.
“Eddie shat his pants, literally. He watched that video of the All Blacks Haka where they did that cut-throat gesture. He was out cold… it really fucked him up,” says his close friend and neighbour, Cork Cayshun.
Whispers surrounding Mr McGuire’s fear of Australia and New Zealand’s tribal culture have existed for many years now, however this irrational phobia was on display for all to see over the weekend, during the AFL’s Indigenous round.
On Friday night, Sydney Swans veteran Adam Goodes was seen to be riling up rival Carlton fans with what looked to be an Indigenous war dance.
Eddie McGuire, despite being aligned with a completely different club, was the first to draw criticism of the intimidating behaviour.
“Personally, I don’t like to see demonstrative celebrations after a goal or anything else,” McGuire told Channel Nine on Monday morning.
“Had we known before the game that Adam or the indigenous players were planning to do some sort of ‘war cry’, we could have been able to educate and understand the situation.”
McGuire also lamented that Goodes’ directing of the dance at the group of mainly Carlton supporters necessitated the presence of police and security staff, to calm the situation.
In what has become a rather embarrassing spectacle for Mr McGuire, thousands of like-minded casual racists have come to his defence, mainly only social media.
“Eddie’s right. I don’t care if Goodes is black, I don’t care if it’s Indigenous round, he needs to toe the line and be like the rest of us” said one rather aggressive facebook user.
“Fuck Goodes – its aussi rules not blackfella rules – aussi aussi aussi!” said another
It is believed Mcguire’s attempts to desensitise himself the undeniable contribution that Aboriginal and Polynesian-Australians make towards Australian sport, became too much.
“He really just couldn’t handle it. He went into shock. He has lived a life sheltered in the AFL – the NRL and Rugby have had a long history of blacks doing what they want to do. He wasn’t prepared”
Eddie McGuire is yet to give comments to The Advocate, but it is believed he will return to his usual self when the AFL community refocus their outrage towards the ongoing Essendon drug scandal.