29 December, 2015. 11:25
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
THE WINDIES SECRET WEAPON has been revealed.
Bermudan superstar Dwayne Leverock has arrived in the harbour city ahead of the third and final Test showdown against Australia in the New Year.
The ICC has made a special consideration in letting the man from the tiny island nation join the West Indian team because it’s highly unlucky it’ll change the result and people might actually watch this game if he plays.
The 44-year-old policeman became an international superstar after taking an absolute howler at second slip to dismiss Indian batsman Robin Uthappa during a pool game at the 2007 Cricket World Cup.
With the shock of the death of Bob Woolmer, British tabloid fury at Andrew Flintoff and Ian Botham’s drunken shenanigans and sub-continental unhappiness at underperforming superstars, Leverock became the feel-good hit of the cup – capturing the imaginations of fans around the world.
“I’m here to teach the Caribbean boys how to win a game of cricket,” said Leverock. “They aren’t playing like they’re having fun, which is the essence of the West Indian game.”
The former prison van driver from the Bermudan capital of Hamilton, says he plans to open the batting and the bowling, having sought the advice of batsman entertainer extraordinaire Mark Waugh and blue-haired creep Colin “Funky” Miller.
“He’s got a good eye. That’s about it,” said Waugh. “Doesn’t mean he won’t score runs. He just won’t score many if he keeps battling like he’s playing his nephews on the beach. But then again, that’s how the Windies have been playing recently.”
Miller was also full of praise for the buck twenty hero, saying he’s got a pretty uneasy action, but it works.
“I’ve been teaching him a few tricks,” said Miller. “I learnt how to bowl a doosra from a YouTube video so I passed that on to Dwayne and he seemed happy with it. Think he was keener on heading across Moore Park Road to the pub, though.”
Leverock is said to have already had a positive impact on the attitude in the West Indian dressing room. Bowling coach Curtly Ambrose outlined his love of The Beach Boys and happy-go-lucky Bermudan nature as being the missing ingredient the team is looking for.
“Can’t wait to get up to Sydney. Like most people who don’t live in Melbourne, I hate the place,” said Ambrose. “We’ve preferred Sydney in Australia. Fuck, maybe Chris Gayle might turn up and play?”