31 December, 2015 16:55
DUSTIN WAGIN | Contributor | CONTACT
Associated Press is reporting that 2015 – a year universally agreed to be a ‘miserable shitstorm of woe and horror’ (according to the UN) – is determined to cram in even more despair before year’s end.
“Yep, there’s only three days left but that’s all this bastard year needs, I’m sure,” stated Dr. Turi Korlenzki, an expert in the field,
“I think by the New Years Eve countdown, 2015 will throw in some heart wrenching natural disasters, maybe an assassination, and perhaps another mass shooting.”
2015 got off to an ominous start with the Charlie Hedbo Massacre, and stayed doggedly awful for the duration of the year, with a bevy of shootings, terrorist attacks, global crises, political muckraking, child abductions, fires, floods, mudslides, earthquakes, famines, plagues, and Netflix/Adam Sandler movies. deals.
“Fuck 2015, seriously,” said President Obama in his annual end of year address.
“I mean…Donald Trump is running for President for Christ’s sake! Mad Men finished! Gun sales are going up! Fucking up! Fuck this shit.”
Australians have not been immune to the horrors of 2015, with a slew of national embarrassments on the world stage, knighthoods, bushfires, and a severely tarnished human rights record.
Farmer Jon McGarten of Northern Queensland told the ABC: “If Tony Abbott hadn’t been rolled, you’d be looking at one more rural suicide statistic.”
Mr. McGarten was then informed about the upcoming Australian version of Australia’s Got Talent to be hosted by ‘comedian’ Dave Hughes.
“I…Martha! Hide my guns!”
Experts are warning the public that recent celebrity death like Lemmy, Stevie Wright, and John Bradbury are clear warning signs that 2015 is not done depressing us and will ‘go big or go home’ before the year is done.
“All I’m saying,” finished Dr. Kolenzki, “is make sure you contact all your loved ones before Jan 31st because this bastard isn’t done messing with us.”