23 June, 2015. 17:13
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A REPORT PUBLISHED under the supervision of the US and British governments has concluded that Baby Boomers have doomed us all.
The planet has been damaged beyond repair, says the report, by the people who were born immediately after World War II to the mid 1960’s. Their way of life has been discovered as the source of all future misery that the world will face.
Thanks to the Baby Boomers, the world is now warming at an unsustainable rate. This fact will spell disaster for the way the humankind lives until the end of time.
Climate change is their fault and they’ve doomed as all.
The Food System Shock report, released by Macquarie Bank this week and developed by La Trobe University’s Global Sustainability Institute in the Wodonga, suggests a cataclysmic series of events will sweep the world, triggered by a combination of climate change, food and water shortages, energy loss and political instability.
This is largely because the third world has been left to reproduce at an ungodly pace. The medical breakthroughs that the baby boomers made have also ruined the future because now even poor people can afford a decent level of healthcare.
According to popular baby boomer opinion, the problem of overpopulation and food shortages can be solved by letting a plague in the third world go unchecked.
58-year-old Mooloolaba plumber Keith Blackstem says that the government should let “bird, swine or SARS flu go out of control” to help ease the strain on the planets natural resources.
“We need another plague. That should do the trick,” he said.
“The easiest way to solve food shortages is to let poor people die,”
“That and we stop exporting our surplus food. Fuck ’em. Aussies always land on their feet.”
When asked how she felt about being the cause of her grandson’s impending death, 61-year-old Brisbane mother Glenda Turnley said she felt horrible, but the 70’s was one hell of a time.
“I know that my piggery as a 20-something Brissie blonde bombshell will ultimately cause my dear grandson to starve to death, I had no way of knowing until now,”
“I’m sorry, but at the same time, I’m not,”
“Me and my friends will be dead in a decade or two so we won’t be around to listen to our kids complain about how we’ve ruined everything for them.”