The Greens urge people to stop farting in 2016

By outlawing farting, the nature-minded political party hopes to further inconvenience Australians more than they already are.

The Greens urge people to stop farting in 2016

31 December, 2015. 11:34

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

IT’S A LEADING cause of greenhouse emissions. Socialists moan about it all the time. Scientists have told us for years that it’s going to end up dooming the planet.

Methane occurs naturally in the environment but the overwhelming majority of it comes from deep in the bowels of livestock and people who tell other people to do their bit to help nature.

“When people pass wind, an area the size of a broadsheet is opened up in the ozone,” said Greens leader Richard Di Natale. “Next year, we’re sending out a memo to our members that they need to stop farting and listening to The Flaming Lips over a glass of chardonnay. We need to set the example.”

However, as most Australians know, some farts are simply unavoidable.

The Greens have a set of guidelines should this unimaginable scenario happen. Rather than let the fart disappear into the wind, they suggest finding a windless place – such as a car or quiet alcove, to fart into a paper bag, which can then be recycled.

“Only pass wind into a paper bag if you plan on recycling it,” said De Natale. “Brown paper takes over a week to break down. But just think how much damage you’ve done to the world already? A dozen beers a day, drizzled over turkey, ham and mince pies. You’d be able to fill up a wheat bag with fart.”

“My recycling bin is full of my farts.”

3 Responses to "The Greens urge people to stop farting in 2016"

  1. Ben Tideas   January 4, 2016 at 12:20 pm

    A far better idea than trying to hold a fart in is to let rip but store them, much like the proposals to store carbon dioxide underground. Yep, fart into a jar and store it in the fridge! They last longer that way. Here’s a tried and tested recipe for preserving farts in a jar:

    1. Remove the lid of a glass jar and cup the jar over your arse.
    2. Now let ‘er rip! Be careful, as sharts are just too much trouble to clean up.
    2. Quickly secure the lid back onto the jar and place it in the fridge.
    3. Let the evil brew cool down and marinate in the fridge for a few hours. Or days or weeks, hell, keep them in the fridge for years if you want! The longer you store them, the stinkier they get.
    4. Then go ask your unsuspecting loved one or friend or work colleague to open the jar and smell the jar for “freshness”.
    5. Upload the film you just recorded onto YouTube and share the laughs!

  2. milton Caine   January 5, 2016 at 7:02 pm

    I am all a gassed!


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.