Senator Bernardi Settles In For His Nightly Corrective Shock Therapy After A Big Day In Parliament

Senator Bernardi Settles In For His Nightly Corrective Shock Therapy After A Big Day In Parliament

24 January, 2016 17:55


After a hard day at work, Liberal Senator Cory Bernardi is relieved to be at home with his wife Sinead Bernardi, the Bible, and his two young children who were conceived through a strict missionary program several months after his marriage.

A big day in Parliament, and a media blitz right across the country, saw Senator Bernardi under fire for his part in pressuring Prime Minister Turnbull into requesting an investigation into a taxpayer-funded program aimed at helping lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans and/or intersex (LGBTI) school students.

After being referred to as a homophobe in the halls of Parliament house by the leader of the Opposition, Bill Shorten, Mr Bernardi needs a drink.

But he can’t have one because that would be sinful, and it would align him with the hedonistic lifestyles he works tirelessly to legislate against.

Instead he unwinds by cranking up his Yamaha Shock Therapy Kit.

“He usually sits the pads on his forehead. But if he’s a bit stressed, he put them on his temple,” says a close male friend friend of the Senator.

“He’s sooooo fierce. He just works himself up in Parliament and never finds a chance to relax. That shock therapy dial will be buzzing at around ten tonight. It doesn’t go any higher”

As a lifelong advocate of shock therapy rituals, it is believed Mr Bernardi began using the machine as a young teenager, as a way to correct himself into being the best Christian man he could be.

“I think he had some nasty, hedonistic, sinful thoughts, when he was trying to find himself. The shock therapy really helped” says a former pastor who chose to remain anonymous.

“He usually falls asleep on the couch with that thing,”

“It keeps him relaxed about life, about himself, and the work he does,”

“You can only imagine the stress that would build if you had to go head to head with all of these gay sympathisers ever day. Every time he’s had a run in with the LGBTI community he just comes home and cranks the shock therapy,”

Following the appointment of the ‘less conservative’ Malcolm Turnbull following last year’s liberal spill motion, senator Bernardi lashed his colleagues for “disloyalty” and “treachery” saying some had given up their credibility “pretty cheaply” by abandoning former prime minister Tony Abbott in favour of Malcolm Turnbull.

In an interview with Andrew Bolt, Mr Bernardi was quoted as saying “you’ve got to have voices at the table and if we are going to be a party that goes down the path of being more like Labor than like the traditional Liberal vision, which is a distinctly conservative vision, then who knows what will happen?

“But I don’t want it to come to that, Andrew, I want us to be a mainstream conservative party, rather than just a vehicle for anything goes, as long as I can climb the greasy pole.”


2 Responses to "Senator Bernardi Settles In For His Nightly Corrective Shock Therapy After A Big Day In Parliament"

  1. Corgi Bernardi   February 24, 2016 at 9:04 pm

    “You’ve got to have voices at the table,” says man who devotes his life to trying to force his views on everyone else.

  2. Brozza   March 14, 2016 at 3:56 pm

    That cable doesn’t look big enough to carry the required amperage.


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