8 July, 2016. 09:30
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact
Local underachiever, Ben Inglis, no longer has anyone to blame for his lack of life savings, job security, sobriety and education – it has been confirmed.
The 31-year-old freelance sign-writer has for a long time been able to justify his lack of life stability with topical but obscure political jargon related to whichever particular political party held power at a federal level – but for the last seven days, Australia’s lack of government is leaving him with no one to blame but himself.
While Ben’s parents have for many years insisted that his uninspiring life is purely due to a lack of enthusiasm – he insists that that they wouldn’t understand because they aren’t keeping an eye on what “these idiots are doing”.
In 2008, he was able to blame his lack of employment on Kevin’s Rudd $900 stimulus package.
“What a joke,” he said.
“There’s so many industries, like mine, in need of Government support and they are just giving nine hundred bucks for people to spend on nothing!”
Under Gillard he blamed the carbon tax for keeping him out of work.
“Mate, what the fuck’s going on? My industry is being crippled by this rubbish!” he said.
“It’s like she doesn’t want to see progress. I’m not getting any work in the near future as long as this tax is around… It’s anti-growth!”
Despite being out of full time work the entire time, Ben was also able to blame both the Abbott and Turnbull Prime Ministerships on his inability to own a car in his early thirties.
“This negative gearing is fucked. Have you read about?” he said, without giving too much away.
“My parent’s generation will never understand. Rent is through the roof, I’ve gotta pay my phone bill tomorrow – and all they care about is looking after the baby boomers.”
However, after absolutely no government for the last seven days, Mr Inglis is now being forced to take a long hard look at himself.
“I don’t know, man. I really buggered around in my twenties,”
“Maybe I should have married [ex-girlfriend of 12 years]”
“It’s my fault really, I should have seen the writing on the wall”
However, with the state Government’s extreme new measures put in place to curb anti-social drinking, Ben still has a few cards left to play.”
“What am I going to do? Get a job in a pub? Not likely,”
“Thanks a lot Nannastacia!”