Local poon loses bid to rule the world

Sources close to the poon say he's 'unhappy' with the news.

Local poon loses bid to rule the world

29 July, 2016. 17:04

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A BRISBANE AREA POON has been told by Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull that he will not receive Australia’s endorsement in his quest to become the leader of the planet.

Citing aspects of his personality and his lifelong patronage of Tarocash as reasons why he didn’t get the nod, Turnbull also acknowledged the myriad of other reasons why Kevin Rudd will never become Secretary-General of the United Nations.

Rudd began his quest to conquer the world last year after incumbent leader Ban Ki-moon announced that he’d retire at the end of his current term.

“The simple fact of the matter is I can’t stand idly by when a person named Kevin is trying to become the Secretary-General of the United Nations. I mean, Kevin?” said Mr Turnbull.

“And he has the charisma of a tampon rapper suck to the floor of a portaloo at a festival. He’s certianly no Kofi Annan or Ban Ki-moon. Those dudes have the X Factor that some glorified tennis umpire from East Brisbane just doesn’t have,”

“Helen Clarke gets my vote. She’s grouse. After the Cricket World Cup last year, you know, when we flogged the Kiwis in the final, I dared her to eat a whole wheel of brie and she fucking did it. What a madman.”

As of right now, Mr Rudd says his life now resembles ‘some heap of shit in a gypsy’s backyard’ and he’s unsure of what he plans to do next. He released a short statement earlier today that outlined his future ambitions.

“Well, I guess I might start campaigning to get liquor in ALDI stores across Queensland. I might even try to get Uber relegalised. Perhaps I should just fight Robbie Katter somewhere? Not for charity, but for the thrill. I haven’t had the taste of blood in my mouth since someone threw a thesaurus at me back in college.” he wrote.

More to come.