17 May, 2016. 12:34
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
AFTER BEING SUCKERED INTO watching ABC’s Q&A in his own home by his left-leaning family, 69-year-old Micheal Houston said he couldn’t help saying “Fuck me, dead,” over and over again.
Having spent his entire working life as a small business owner, the semi-retired farmer says that he used to have a small amount of faith in the future of Australia, but after seeing last night’s program, he said he’s ready to die now.
Sitting on the corner of a lumpy IKEA couch that the wife bought using his credit card, Michael wanted to watch something interesting like Embarrassing Bodies or the Formula One, but no.
“Look, I might be a bitter old bastard, but fuck me with a length of rope and call me Sally. Enough is enough,” he said.
Talking over the top of Tony Jones like he was sitting next to him in a crowded bar, Michael began to explain why everybody on the show is wrong.
“When I was that Kate woman’s age, I got plucked out of a good job and sent to South East Asia to go jump out of helicopters and shoot communists. Then you’ve got people like my boy, who sook about being locked out of nightclubs and not being able to afford a home in a nice suburb. The fucking doormat lies in bed till noon some days.”
Houston then reportedly got up off the couch and continued his rant from the kitchen, unable to watch any more of the Monday night leftie dessert.
Gesturing wildly with his hands, he went on to remark that his first home was in a not-so-nice part of town.
“The first fucking home I bought was in a bad area, cunt I had to get off the train at night with a bit of reo bar up my sleeve in case some junkie cunt tried to pull me on,”
“One night I flogged this fucking smackie so hard about the head, he was flopping up and down on the footpath like a carp on a riverbank. Tell me that was fun,”
“I’m just fucking sick of it. I fucking am!”
Declaring an end to his monologue, Michael then retired to his shed and put on some Bob Dylan. Thinking his wife still doesn’t know, years after he said he quit, he put his feet up on the workbench and enjoyed a Longbeach while he mulled over his life.
A government study commissioned by the ABC last year found that it’s extremely difficult for homeowners over the age of 60 to watch Q&A because it mainly features people complaining about something, or young Australians whining about being broke.
The report concluded with a number of recommendations, which controversially included Gen Y battlers continuing to encourage their Baby Boomers to take up smoking, in the hopes that they’ll get their hands on a bit of travel money a few years earlier.