15 May, 2017. 10:23
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The Prime Minister broke his silence on the housing crisis this afternoon by explaining he owes everything he has in life to a instant coffee.
Malcolm Turnbull said he’s never been a fan of a bespoke cup of java, often electing to dose himself up with a strong International Roast or Moccona.
“Do I look like a fuck head to you? I grew up in Watsons Bay, back when it was rough. Paying some dribbling under-employed anthropologist a few bucks for a coffee was the last thing I’d be doing,” he said.
“Rather than spend my money on more exotic things, I’d have a smashed grapefruit on toast while I read the papers in the morning. Another thing that helps with getting a leg up in life is being clever, which I am,”
“If you are dumb and throw shit in a skip for a living, you probably won’t be my neighbour any time soon. But yeah, back to what I was saying. I got all up in this shit by drinking instant coffee.”
The PM then went on to explain how regular people end up like him – with enough power and riches to last ten lifetimes.
“By hard work and a fuck tonne of luck,” he said.
“That’s basically it.”
More to come.