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A defeated Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott has slinked back to his office this afternoon to begin sending apologies to the 15% of his electorate who agreed it’s his stance on gay marriage.
With the same-sex marriage bill passing through the lower house only minutes ago, the devout Catholic says he’s sorry he couldn’t do more to make 62% of Australia agree with his outdated definition of matrimony.
Abbott is still certain that he is the only recent Prime Minister that represents the ‘real Australians’, after an 82-year-old lady that lives two kilometres from his family home in the affluent North Shore of Sydney sent him an email telling him exactly that.
“Keep up the good work Anthony. I wish you were still in charge and doing something about those (sic) Moslems and Homosexuals” read the letter.
“I agree with everything you say. I remember seeing you play rugby when you were younger. You always were a good leader even with blacks in your team. Much love, Beryl”
It is believed that Mr Abbott read Beryl’s email, which had been transcribed to the internet by her live-at-home nurse Sucheta, shortly before his confident appearing on conservative talkback radio 2GB this morning to deliver yet another tirade vaguely targeting his sworn enemy, party leader Malcolm Turnbull.
The former Prime Minister says British Conservative Prime Minister Teresa May’s disastrous UK election result should be a warning sign for Australian Liberals that they’ll come “unstuck” if they don’t listen to voters.
The man who thought Australian’s would prefer to knight Prince Philip over Richie Benaud also predicted that Labor leader Bill Shorten would win the next election if Mr Turnbull didn’t make the right calls.
“Stop talking about the environment. Stop giving Muslims a chance to distance themselves from Terrorists. Stop pushing policies that wealthy old religious people don’t care about” he said.