Sports

“Year Of The Eel!” Says Local Parra Fan, Obviously Talking About A Chinese Zodiac Or Something

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A Betoota Heights man has shocked his friendship group today, by referencing some niche Chinese astrology in a conversation. Enjoying a wildly tangential shit-talking session about all manner of things down at a mate's place, Will McRay apparently started banging on about Chinese Zodiacs. "It's the year of the Eel my friends," he proclaimed boldly, presumably referencing some...

Fox Sports Send Intern Down To The Vampire Crypt To Wake Buzz Rothfield From Off-Season Slumber

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT Shivering in terror and scared for his life, a Fox Sports intern is supposedly bracing himself for the most feared job in entry-level sports journalism, the awakening of Buzz Rothfield. After spending the summer on a three-month unpaid internship, it’s believed young sports tragic Keon Van-Hull (23) has been given one final task to complete before being...

Cummins Tells Starc He’s Bowling Left-Arm Orthodox In The Second Innings As Pitch Deteriorates Rapidly

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Test captain Pat Cummins is doing his best with the team that the selectors have given him as play resumes in Pakistan today. Left with a lack of spin bowlers (aside from full-timer Nathan Lyon and the part-time ensemble of Warner, Head and Labuschagne) Cummins has asked one of his quick bowlers to start bowling...

NRL Politely Decline The Wests Tigers Requests To Be Granted 5 Captain’s Challenges A Game

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The National Rugby League has today laughed off an interesting request ahead of the 2022 Premiership commencement. Speaking to the media in the harbour hell hole of Sydney, NRL boss Peter V'landys explained that he has politely declined the Wests Tigers submission to receive 5 Captain's Challenges a game. The weird request comes after the Ashfield League's Club's XIII...

Typical Russia Waited Until The Winter Olympics Had Wrapped Up Before Starting Some Shit

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Russia has invaded Ukraine after President Vladimir Putin authorised a military operation in the Eastern European country. The invasion follows months of Moscow massing troops near Ukraine, while the military waited to see just how well they did at the 2022 Winter Olympics. With Western nations repeatedly expressing fears of just such an outcome, Russia had continued to deny any...

Parents Of NRL Debutant Visit Church To Pray Their Boy Can Stay Out Of Trouble Until Round 1

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local rugby league sensation, Jarrayne Zammit (19), is all set to make his NRL debut on round 1 of the 2022 season next month. That is, providing he can keep out of the headlines until then. As an excitable sporting prodigy from Betoota's Flight Path District, Jarrayne's It has been common knowledge in Betoota's rugby league community that Zammit has been strategically...

Desperate PM Ramps Up National Security Rhetoric By Calling Wallabies Coach A Kiwi Sleeper Cell

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT To the dismay of middle and upper-class dads around the nation, sports and politics have once again been mixed up today. This comes with Prime Minister Scott Morrison essentially pouring a bit of red bull into some milk, and calling the nation's rugby coach a Kiwi sleeper cell. The strong accusation comes after a bit few days of...

Regional Victoria Announce Plans To Introduce Downhill Trolley Racing To 2026 Commonwealth Games

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some exciting news for the regional Victoria, confirmation has been provided by the state's Premier that it is likely to host the 2026 Commonwealth Games. Premier Daniel Andrews revealed yesterday that his government is in exclusive negotiations with the organising body, a sign of how desirable it is to host the little cousin of the Olympic games. Andrews said...

Did You Know: The Gold Coast Has Had A Team Playing In The AFL For 11 Years

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Fun fact of the day time! The Gold Coast has actually had a professional Australian Rules Football team for over a decade! And they even play in the country's main league, the AFL! Crazy right. They even had a guy called Gary Abblett play there. Who is a big deal for AFL fans. Their team is called...

Parramatta Expecting A Non-Covid Deadly Outbreak This Weekend

CLANCY OVERELL  | Editor | CONTACT The NSW Government are today bracing themselves for a deadly outbreak in the Parramatta region this weekend. Fortunately, this is not a concern for the health department. It's in reference to a different kind of 'deadly' - a term used by Indigenous people, and a few Irish, to signify something that is 'fantastic', 'great' or 'awesome'. This comes as the...

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