Local News

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTHorrible humanly bodily functions have ruined another trip to the pharmacist today but not in the way you might expect.As someone without a long term female partner, bachelor Terence Boat (33) has been forced to take care of his medical ailments himself leading him to be on a first name basis with staff at his local pharmacy. Unfortunately for...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTMelissa Rickson (38) knows she’s no longer the young whippet she used to be.Whether it’s the fact she’ll now choose a biodynamic Grenache over a UDL or that she struggles to listen to Triple J, Mel’s journey towards her 40’s is as inevitable as the purchase of a Dyson vacuum cleaner. However it wasn’t until a recent...

CLYDE ROYAL |Western News| ContactIn a super strange series of events a local footy club manager found himself locking the clubhouse doors just two hours after a win. Jobe Stewart, club president of the Betoota Kickers filled us in on the strangeness at the club. "It was a belter of a win, then all of a sudden the boys were clearing out." “Damo,...

CLYDE ROYAL |Western News| Contact A groundbreaking case has been brought forward in regards to working conditions for a kitchen appliance this week.  Beville Toastmax, a 3 year old Toasted sandwich maker recently reached out to the builders union for help in regards to securing a safe work environment for itself.  “When I was hired, I was told I’d be toasting sandwiches. Only about...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local woman getting stuck into her regency filth has sadly found her sexy illusions shattered today, after realising the gorgeous emotionally unavailable men she kept falling in love with on Bridgerton were a far cry from the real deal, it’s reported. Lucia Fogarty is alleged to have not been that fussed about watching the Bridgerton prequel ‘Queen...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactIn some scary news for women around the nation, it appears that fuckboys are evolving their seduction tactics to the point of even weaponising environmetalism, it’s reported. This comes as renowned Betoota Heights fuckboy, Jamie Jennings was seen really trying his luck with a Tinder hookup last night, who luckily was too clever to fall for his attempts...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local air conditioner mechanic by the name of Chayce Bordin is this week contemplating the lay of the land. The late 20-something reserve grader who harboured dreams of playing professional footy at some point in his teenager years, says he's wondering if it might not be too late. This comes after the man with a sizeable bumper...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local Betoota Ponds man has today entered his Lake Eyre era. Perennially dehydrated man Aldous Bexley told The Advocate today that the cold snap has hit him hard again this year. Known as the dry lips guy amongst his friendship group, the generally well-liked young man says that he is entering the horrific chapped period of winter....

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA French Quarter elderly couple have been forced to improvise their cruise trip this year, after they too, started to feel the brunt of the cost of living crisis. Having committed to going once a year for a solid twelve years in a row, Geraldine and George Parker can no longer justify forking out thousands of dollars...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Australian Labor Party have finally done it! After decades of trying, the red tie side of politics have managed to achieve the tag of 'fiscally responsible.' This comes after getting the tick of approval from the detached tertiary educated media class for their most recent budget. Dropped by Treasurer Jim Chalmers in parliament last night, the 2023...