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5G More Dangerous Than Virus That’s Killed 177,000 According To Mullumbimby

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT As the coronavirus pandemic grips the nation, the Byron Shire has today revealed that we've been focused on the wrong issue the whole time. With the entire nation surrounding Byron Shire and Waverley Council isolating and doing their best to stop the spread of the deadly COVID-19 virus, Mullumbimby has today decided to completely flaunt all of the...

F45 Chick Begins Looking For Other Ways To Have A Personality

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local group fitness enthusiast, Melody (25, French Quarter) hasn't received a sweaty high-five from a stranger in weeks. It's just one of the many different things she misses about normal life, as the government's social-distancing measures remain implemented due to COVID-19. But it's not just the high-fives. There's been no battle ropes, no box jumps, and no Katy Perry music. Her...

Virgin Australia Set To Change Their Name After Being Fucked By Coronavirus

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Virgin Australia is preparing to unveil a new name-change, after board members finally admitted to being fucked today. This comes as sources reveal that Australia's number two airline looks to go into voluntary administration, unable to survive under the weight of enormous debts and starved of cash by the coronavirus travel shutdown. It is not yet known what the new...

Local Bloke Would Give Anything To Drunkenly Chew Off A Cabbie’s Ear Right Now

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After nearly a month in Iso, local bloke Tom Theiss is facing the soul-crushing predicament of having no one to validate him for, what he believes to be, a cracking sense of humour. "It's just not the same trying to talk shit about council workers with the wife after a bottle cab sav on the couch" "You don't get the...

Bryan Fletcher Cherishes Isolation As A Chance To Secretly Work Out And Avoid Shouting Beers

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As Australia battens down the hatches for what looks like an imminent economic depression caused by the COVID-19 pandemic, society must now also wrestling with the bizarre lack of human contact that comes with social-distancing and isolation. Bars and restaurants have scrapped in-house dining. Movie theatres are closed. Airlines are seeking government bail-outs. All professional sport is postponed and...

Channel 7 Offer To Run Back-To-Back Episodes Of M*A*S*H In Attempt To Lure Boomers Inside

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Though everyone is quick to blame those pesky millennials for everything, it’s alleged that the anxiety-riddled younger generation are taking the COVID-19 pandemic a lot more seriously than their parents, who from many reports appear to be flouting the rules and continuing their day to day activities since the Bondi-crowd-shaming of last month.It appears that no amount of...

Uncle Tony X Inspired By His Koori Nephews In The NRL To Bleach Hair While In Iso

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As the quarantine of rugby league reaches the one-month mark, administrators are working around the clock to secure a kick off to the re-start of the 2020 NRL season. Outside of getting the football back underway, the NRL is dedicating all other resources to ensuring their players don't spend too much time on the internet. With fears of even more...

Melbourne Elites Hiding In Portsea Given Away By Stickers For Weird Private School Sports

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Roads across the country have experienced the quietest Easter since the First World War, with police promising a crackdown on non-essential travel and holidays. All last month Australians had been told to cancel trips and stay at home to prevent the spread of COVID-19. Even family gatherings, and gatherings of more than two people have been banned and state governments...

“The NRL Have Made Poor Financial Decisions” Says Media Network Kept Alive By Print Newspapers

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In a very weird and clear example of hypocrisy, the Nine Network has this week launched a brutal attack on the NRL, accusing the league of mismanagement and breaking its lucrative broadcast deal. Once the most powerful media player in Australia, the Nine Network is nowadays most commonly known for eroding Australian societal standards with the brain fodder acronyms...

Experts Say Social Distancing Also Means Only Whispering To Friends You Run Into Outside

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As of 6:00am this morning, there have been 6,152 confirmed cases of COVID-19 in Australia. There have been 100 new cases since 6:00am yesterday. Of the 6,152 confirmed cases in Australia, 52 have died from COVID-19. With the curve beginning to show signs of flattening in Australia, medical experts and politicians say social distancing will more important than ever...

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