17 September, 2016. 16:45
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
ONE STRIKES FEAR INTO THE hearts of politicians and Jesus freaks across the peasant empire of New South Wales, the other is a potential weapon of mass destruction that has Chardonnay socialists and do-gooders from Brisbane to Bunbury.
While there hasn’t been a recorded homicide committed with the help of the controversial Adler lever-action shotgun, the fact remains that young people have been killed by Sydney’s Kings Cross. However, while the nightlife district is still awash with drug-related deaths, and effort to clean the place up only happened after the two one-punch attacks claimed the lives of two bright-eyed young Sydneysiders.
But claims that the Adler shotgun will unlock the door to another Port Arthur-style massacre are seemingly unfounded, seeing as though it hasn’t killed anybody yet. There’s vehement support for it’s banning – the same type of vehement support there is to loosen the noose around Kings Cross – a known killer of youth.
So to get to the bottom of this, The Betoota Advocate was invited to road test both weapons and make our own mind up.
The Adler Shotgun
“This is a gotdam hot bit of kit,” said Muir. “Here mate, have a go!”
Former Senator and Living Australian Treasure, Ricky Muir, invited us to his Sale compound earlier to spin a few yarns and shoot things in his brother’s back paddock. He recently renovated his modest three-bedder in town and what greeted us upon arrival will stay with me for a long time.
“Yeah, that’s the shitter out of my old dunny room,” he said. “Now we shoot things off it, like empty tins and old basketballs and what not. It’s a gotdam great time.”
The retired politician then went onto explain that this isn’t unlike any other lever-action long arm on the market, in fact, he says, this isn’t half as dangerous as other guns.
He doesn’t understand why ‘communists’ and ‘inner-city perverts’ have a problem with the Adler, when many centre-fire lever-action rifles already exist in the market.
“I could walk into Smitho’s Gun Shop downtown and walk out with a lever-action .30-30 and none of those Melbourne neck-rolled pinkos could give a shit. But if I choose an Alder, they paint me with the same brush as martin bryant [Muir asked us not to capitalise his name because he ‘gotdam’ doesn’t deserve it].”
“Stupid it is, mate.”
And we tend to agree with him.
Kings Cross, Sydney.
Clancy Overell climbs out of a taxi underneath Kings Cross’ iconic Coke sign and looks up.
“I hate this cunt of a town,” he said, spitting out of the gap in his two front teeth, narrowly missing a Finnish backpacker’s open-toed feet. “There’s just something about it that rubs me the wrong way.”
In response to two ‘coward-punch’ attacks that claimed the lives of two pleasant young men, the premier of NSW put his foot on the throat of Sydney’s nightlife until it stopped kicking – and for good reason.
“Come on, let’s go and find some trouble,” said Clancy.
We arrived in Sydney on Friday morning and immediately put together a plan to scratch the underbelly of The Cross, as the locals call it until it bit us back. The cab driver told us that we’d have a better chance finding a handjob in Mecca than trouble in Kings Cross these days, but we set out to prove him wrong.
Clance and I both bought a fifth of vodka from a bottle shop and inhaled just before 9pm, the time when trouble is on high, so we’ve been told. We then proceeded down Darlinghurst Road until we found one of the last bars open for trade on the strip. The bouncer asked us for ID and queried how our night was going.
“What’s it to you, cunt?” said Clancy. The bouncer laughed and waved us in. It was going to take more than that to get our heads kicked in it seemed.
As we walked in, a small group of Irishmen made a wry comment about our hats. I walked up to the biggest one, removed my hat and head-butted him while Clancy came in over the top and threw a haymaker at the ginger.
Twelve hours later, I woke up handcuffed to a bed in St Vincent’s Hospital without much memory of what happened. Clancy was nowhere to be seen – and I still haven’t seen or heard from him since we walked into that sports bar 16 hours ago.
Kings Cross is a cesspit and should be burned to the ground. If you want a nightlife, go to Melbourne and stay there. The Adler is fun and harmless if you don’t have mental illness, leave it alone. It’s way safer than Kings Cross. Mike Baird is a martyr.