9 January, 2016. 15:07
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
IT’S A CRITICAL decision made by thousands of Australian men preparing for a night out.
To wash the bed sheets or not?
A Catch-22 because in ever-increasing numbers, young men are venturing out into the evening – planning to “just have a couple with the boys” before being home in bed before MasterChef is over.
It’s the easy option because it involves the bare minimum amount of effort. Every man, woman and proactive teenager across the country knows that it’s a massive pain in the arse to wash your bed sheets – so they forego it and sleep in their own filth for another night.
Disturbingly, it’s on these “random nights out with the fellas” that a young man is unfortunately most likely to pick up.
Upon begrudgingly returning to the young man’s home, the mood is invariably killed by the giant off-white or in some cases, brown ghost-like stain down one side of the bed where the grub has been sleeping.
Darlinghurst waitress Annelease Elderford has been a self-confessed “loose unit” since leaving high school. She says that even for party girls like her, if a guy hasn’t washed his sheets in months, she’d be more inclined to receive the pipe on the couch.
“It’s like taking your clothes off and hopping into a giant dirty sock,” she said.
“Fucking gross, totally fucking gross,”
“Just please boys, wash your sheets. It’s not much to ask.”
However, in findings released by the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) today, the more effort and planning a 20-29-year-old male puts into pulling a root, the less likely he will succeed.
Traditionally, young men who plan for some pseudo-anonymous late night gland-to-gland combat are openly chastised and ridiculed by their mates for being a “try-hard poon” or a “desperate wanker”.
Faced by this Catch-22, south-central Surry Hills resident Bruno Crippler says that he always finds the time to wash his sheets because he enjoys not sleeping in his own dead skin.
“My mother told me long ago that the best cologne a young man can wear is a freshly laundered shirt,” said Mr Crippler.
“The same goes for bed sheets. I’m pretty sure that’s how peasants got leprosy in the Middle Ages, by sleeping like a grot,”
“Call me crazy but the idea of going more than a few weeks without hot-washing bed linen makes me feel sick.”