ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
In the last few months, the world has watched in awe as a former real estate magnate, businessman, author and professional wrestling identity has risen to become the newest resident in the White House.
Donald Trump’s recent revelations regarding his proposed changes to US foreign policy, in particular, immigration, has shocked both Americans and the rest of the planet. He proclaimed earlier this year that should he win office, he’d effectively ban all Muslims from entering the United States, which was met with widespread and unabridged criticism.
Speaking today from Los Angeles, Trump said he learned “everything he needs to know about foreigners from his time in the World Wrestling Entertainment”.
“The Iron Sheik terrorised the WWE for over a decade,” said Trump. “That was one of the first documented cases of Islamic terrorism on American soil and the Reagan Administration did nothing about it. When he became the WWF World Heavyweight Champion in 1983, it was an attack on our way of life.”
“One of the greatest moments in our proud nation’s history was when Hulk Hogan leg-dropped that son-of-a-bitch back to Iran, winning the title back for America.”
However, Trump went on to proclaim that he believes the Iron Sheik could now be quite an asset to the United States.
“I do believe he has learnt his lesson and is now what I consider a proud American. I would love to appoint him as a foreign policy advisor”
“He knows how to deal with the Middle East!”
VIDEO: Graphic footage of the Iron Sheik terrorising Bob Emory with his signature Camel Clutch move.
Muslims weren’t the only other alien culture the 69-year-old was exposed to during his formative years as a professional wrestler.
“Eddie Guerrero was a criminal. He’d lie, cheat or steal whenever I’d turn my back on him. From trying to steal my wallet to power bombing me when I wasn’t ready. Even when it wasn’t even in the script.” he said. “Don’t get me started on Rey Mysterio. He was the worst out of all of them. It became clear to me that Mexico wasn’t sending their best people to America.”
According to political commentators, making informed decisions on immigration based on the World Wrestling Entertainment is both completely insane but very, very clever.
Morgan Granger from the Columbia University Journalism Review said that Trump’s tactics of pandering to the lowest common denominator, or fans of both amateur and professional wrestling, is political genius.
“Trump was never going to win by taking his competitors on in a clean fight. Just like when he was wrestling,” said Granger. “By empowering America’s least informed and poorly educated majority, he’s all but secured himself as the emerging Republican candidate.”