Report Finds Only 2% Of After-School Fights Actually Worth Sprinting To After 3PM Bell

Report Finds Only 2% Of After-School Fights Actually Worth Sprinting To After 3PM Bell

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

A recent report has found that despite the amount of shit talk that gets spread around school after lunch, very few after school fights are actually worth missing the bus home for.

A recent report commissioned by the ASSAD Organisation (After School Sledging And Dipping) indicates that in the average Australians whole schooling life, they will usually only see one or two fights worth remembering.

Survey data finds that only 1 in 20 will actually see a punch thrown, and only 1 in 50 will result in any blood.

“The bloodlust of the indifferent high schooler standing around the fight is very rarely satisfied” said lead researcher, Ava Blue.

The most common cause of a high school dip was found to be a hot chick named Rachel who actually isn’t going out with either of them, but even it that scenario the after school melee is more about Rachel yelling for them to stop, and looking popular.

“This comes down to the fact that there usually is only 6 or 7 testosterone charged alphas that are competent in the areas of stinking in any year group, and they usually are in the same social group” said Mrs Blue

“Unless there is some cross-football-code-circle rivalries, very few at-risk young men are willing to challenge the Animal Kingdom by punching on with older kids”

The report also found that the intuition of career high school teachers often gets in the way of a good stink, as it increases the likelihood of a veteran PE teacher called Mr Illich rocking up and letting out a massive ‘oi’ before anyone even throws one.

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