ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
SPEAKING FROM THE HEART, deaf Sydney bridge-and-wharf carpenter Michael Bitter said he wants to give his three-day-old daughter the best name for a girl he knows, Victoria.
Since he was old enough to keep more than one stubbie down, the 27-year-old has been doing his level-best to Derryn Hinch his first liver with Victoria Bitter, a dry, lingering lager from the heart of Melbourne.
“It’d be a fucking pissa [laughs], naming her after my favourite beer would be tops. But the missus is onto me, but. She knows what I’m up to, so I might try a few sneakier ones,” he said.
“Like I might try Melbourne, that’s a girls name. Failing that I might try Emu. You can probably get away with calling a baby that in 2016.”
Outright refusing to echo her husband’s sentiments, Glandular Bitter said she wasn’t about to let her first-born child suffer the fate of being named after a beer that’s made by a ‘pack of dogs.’
After first explaining to Michael that you can’t give a child a name like ‘Moth,’ ‘Commodore’ or ‘EpiPen’, the 23-year-old nail technician said she then had to outline that calling their daughter ‘Victoria Bitter’ would put her on a path to ruin.
“Look he’s not the loudest bagpipe in the marching band, but he’s my husband. He’s got a good sense of human and all, but that’s not a requirement when you’re naming a fucking child,” she explained.
“He wants to call Emu now. Emu? Is he fucking having me on? I’m going to named my daughter ‘Emu?’ He’s losing his fucking mind.”
The Advocate reached out to other members of the Bitter family, but received no reply.
More to come.